Janine Marie

starcrost @ 2009-07-22T21:33:00

2009-07-23T01:47:25Z

livin aint bad
i got my apt
i got a job of sorts
i have a handful of friends
i'm dating someone on the real, for once.

so yanno.

i still feel that there's some excitement absent.
but i've always felt that way and will probably always feel that way

things NOT to do with someone you're seeing:
a) have a reverse-crunches contest (unless, in fact, you enjoy feeling crippled from the ribcage down.)
b) pay 15 bucks a piece for sandwiches
c) admit that one of your very few friends is suddenly discovered a latent love for you in lieu of your exiting the "market."

nap? i think so.

starcrost @ 2009-06-18T01:31:00

2009-06-18T05:31:45Z

i fuckin love Oprah

starcrost @ 2009-06-04T02:57:00

2009-06-04T07:23:41Z

i can't do this anymore i am becoming emotionally retarded
it surprises me when things hurt nowadays and when i feel sad
about things ..

i will not be made to feel inferior
i will not become expendable
i deserve to be valued and treated well
i cant keep choking back everything i feel and want to say
because it's gonna get caught in my throat one day

i want to tell people to stop fuckin with my heart but it would be silly because i'm doing it to myself and no more.

sasha fierce beyonce power whatever.

starcrost @ 2009-05-13T11:51:00

2009-05-13T15:51:58Z

like three people have complimented me today on my writing so i'm in a good mood haha. god i am such a sucker for flattery it's ridiculous. leo trait.

starcrost @ 2009-05-12T23:46:00

2009-05-13T03:47:01Z

i just don't want to be expendable anymore

starcrost @ 2009-05-05T01:28:00

2009-05-05T05:35:50Z

allergies are crap i feel like i have fucking grade A swine flu aghh
except i cant stay home form work because of allergies
dammit

i love the apartment. i love ikea. it's like Stuff paradise. plus there are swedish meatballs, cinnamon buns, and hotdogs. score. i have keys now. my mom bought me a new bed. i am spoiled.

i just realized i have 1,000 on my credit card, collecting retarded amounts of interest. i want to just pay it off so bad but i need that 1,000 dollars for rent. finding a job is putting me in a panic i don't have time to look because of the job i already have. i would work at taco bell i don't even care.

i have a thousand articles to write. i've taken so many naps today
i need to exercise. wahwahwah, etc.

starcrost @ 2009-04-29T16:43:00

2009-04-29T20:48:21Z

i feel like
ashley simpson, pre nose job, trying to date brad pit.
i guess it's possible but most likely not gonna happen.

i mean i'm not trying to date anyone that's just how i feel when i want things in general.

starcrost @ 2009-04-24T00:17:00

2009-04-24T04:23:21Z

checked out
good
better from now on
i am full of anxiousness
and hopefullness
and longing

i really need to work on patience
and zen..or something

starcrost @ 2009-04-19T23:24:00

2009-04-20T03:43:31Z

it is so startling to really stop and think about your actions and how they are affecting your life
i feel gross and scared
because i've been irresponsible in situations
and those choices could seriously affect my health and others'
and the worst part is I KNOW better
but it's more important to me to chase a fleeting feeling i guess.
and it's obvious what i did here
to avoid feeling used i turned myself into an active participant or initiator
adopted the dude perspective
that did nothing for me as far as what i really want
which is someONE solid i can get used to and comfortable with
whose habits i at least have an idea of
who will share in the responsibility of that event
instead of being two total separates in a conjunctive act.
there is something wrong with me
i am so scared of crossing lines
of repelling people with openess and honesty and feelings
so then my ego clams up and my id overrides
i wish that i could talk to you or you or you about this
and that even one of you would really hear me

being a woman is a fucking curse i tell you.

starcrost @ 2009-04-10T13:10:00

2009-04-10T17:18:07Z

i'm worried about my decision to get out of journalism and go to school and probably wait tables for a living.
i wouldnt mind being an english teacher
but writing is so much more exciting
i just didn't think i could do it before
but i feel like its really challenged me
and i'm getting better at talking to people
and i love that
i like meeting people and learning things about subjects i never knew anything about

please someone tell me it's okay that i'm going to pay 60k for a master's in english even though i'm having doubts about that particular field.

i told my boss that i'm moving today and he was very disappointed
he told me 750/month is so much
and that there are no jobs in the city
i told him i'd stay through May

do you think could still get a journalism job after I get my MA in English?
i don't want to make wrong decisions!

starcrost @ 2009-04-07T20:08:00

2009-04-08T00:16:30Z

i'm happy with the direction i'm headed in right now actually
i'm happy that i've been pushing myself more
and challenging my limits
i feel like i'm learning every day
and growing
i'm happy that i was able to get to that point
there are things i'm unhappy about, for sure
but i dont want them to hold me back
i've been having these conversations with my parents lately
i am happy i've been able to open up to them more
i dont have very many close friends
i dont have a love of my life
i am lonely lots of times
but i am so grateful for what i do have
because it could always be better
but it could always be worse
so yanno
plus, it's nice being unattached. free to roam

i cant wait to move and start school. these will be good things.
i hope money doesn't hold me back =/

starcrost @ 2009-04-05T00:05:00

2009-04-05T04:12:04Z

i'm turning into a bitch from here on out
i'm in a horrible mood.
i try to be a positive person, i really do.
but it aint workin.
i have to let shit out
its a tough feeling to know no one thinks about you when you're not there
that if i walked out into the streets right now and disappeared, what of it?
i suppose i shouldn't take my family for granted
they would maybe be upset
i guess i just want everyone to care that much
i care alot about the people around me
sometimes i want them all to know
because that's something reassuring
to know that people want you to be happy at times when it seems like the world doesn't
i dunno. i never cease to be disappointed by people.
and their self focus, lack of empathy
that binghaton shooting on the news today! you see that?
unreal
even more unreal is the fact that stuff like that happnes SO OFTEN in other countries
and we dont even think about it
another suicide bomber in iran israel palestine afghanistan?
my comprehension of what goes on elsewhere is very limited.
but just
ugh you know
why do people really really not care
about ANYTHING
but for sometimes themselves
and sometimes intangible ideals
we have a world to maintain
humans are a miserable race
of world fucking ruiners.

i think often of our bodies as electric
we run on our own energy.
i like to picture signals skipping synapses
like little bursts of light
zzzzip

my body is an undrawn pistol

i will never let go of my grandiose dreams
of being a brighter blip, a bigger force, a better human being
than all the human beings
who hurt my heart.

starcrost @ 2009-03-27T10:30:00

2009-03-27T14:36:22Z

me and charlotte are going to norfolk, VA next week
her to visit a grad school she got into
me just for the hell of it
oh and to see girltalk
wit seems a little frivolous but i mean i really love trips and going new places
hopefully it's warm enough to go to the beach and sunbathe or something

it occurred to me that all of my long time girl friends have longtime serious boyfriends that they are in love with
i really hope to meet someone fabulous when i go back to school
maybe a dashing international student who needs help navigating a foreign city?
or a young foxy professor who is charmed by my fabulous work

whatever these are my dreams

starcrost @ 2009-03-26T14:47:00

2009-03-26T18:51:34Z

i am going to get everything i want.
i will be diplomatic
and then aggressive.
i am done with things that dont matter
like men flings
and worry things
i will give myself the funtimes i need
i will buckle down when i have to
i will show initiative and do what i need to do
to get in front of suckers
who hold me back
this is my new life attitude.
it's a little intense.

starcrost @ 2009-03-26T01:38:00

2009-03-26T05:39:16Z

i want something to snuggle and love
a kitten maybe
some kinda nice little void-filler

starcrost @ 2009-03-24T12:31:00

2009-03-24T16:35:26Z

i feel cracked out
i haven't slept more than like 3 hours at a time in the past few days, so i cant imagine why i'm suddenly miss energy.
i got up pretty early this morning after going to sleep at 4:30am after spending all day literally all day writing articles.
i haven't heard yet from my editor but i did hear back form the two jerks who i was waiting on info from. too bad sir editor i am done writing for the time being
i got my fafsa done, bills paid, bill sent to pk journal and two interviews all before 12:30! great!
right now i am going to go work out and hope mr stephen kaye does not need me in that time. i hope i dont have to drive to amenia later. agh.

starcrost @ 2009-03-24T09:27:00

2009-03-24T13:29:17Z

i have never had a more non-communicative boss!
or sporadically communicative i should say, perhaps

anyway it makes me uneasy. i am expecting an angry last minute call or something that will completely ruin my day. agh.

i am going to be SO good this week about scheduling appointments early.
seriously. my procrastination problem is way out of hand.

starcrost @ 2009-03-21T13:58:00

2009-03-21T18:01:25Z

i have been seriously wigging out like hardcore lately
like totally not in control of my emotions
i feel super crappy today
i want a hug and a week long nap thanks.

starcrost @ 2009-03-15T19:32:00

2009-03-15T23:34:26Z

i like laying in bed more than anything else
i am depressed more than usual
i want to run into the sun
lame

starcrost @ 2009-03-15T13:00:00

2009-03-15T17:00:24Z

nothing goes right!

starcrost @ 2009-03-13T19:55:00

2009-03-13T23:56:13Z

i am in a good mood today for a change. maybe it was pms.
i'm so happy to have this job with this nice man who is neither corporate or a scary-haired woman.
he gave me books about food to read.
yay

this is not poetry it's how i word my thoughts

2009-03-11T05:34:44Z

it's a catch twenty two.
to admit that you feel terribly lonely
is to be weak, and vulnerable
unattractive traits in a woman
but to hold it in your heart
and maintain a cool exterior
takes energy and concentration
that is too breakable
it bursts like a dam
and that tide of emotion,
those whirl pool waters,
wash everything out of reach

i am too old for catch twenty twos
i am twenty three
going on twenty four
four, now going on five
years i've been flooding
my own,
my very own,
path to...
?

starcrost @ 2009-03-05T17:29:00

2009-03-05T22:31:25Z

i've been working in a coffee shop near vassar and listening to the students and professors and what they talk about makes me really really really anxious to be back in school.

i want to learn and discuss. god i hope i get in somewhere. i will be so happy.
i want to live on student loan money!

starcrost @ 2009-03-05T01:18:00

2009-03-05T06:19:03Z

oh my heart

starcrost @ 2009-03-04T00:04:00

2009-03-04T05:09:06Z

things that would make me happy and complete:
1) living space of my own
2) a good and reliable paycheck
3) benefits
4) real luv

when i fall asleep i have bad dreams and get sick again wtf